Well, as of this moment I don't have too much to go off on. I got my B12 shot, was prescribed vitamins (I am getting old - first time I've ever had to take vitamins - Kelly, shut it :P) and told another guy my life story, which left his mouth agape. I am coming to the conclusion that life is short. Yeah yeah yeah - so you all say you already know that...blah blah blah. I mean, really...what have I done in the past 33 years that is of any significance. I know I have 2 great kids that hopefully I'm helping to raise right, a great wife (but i can't take any credit there) and sure, I've been successful in the businesses I've started (who cares). I've had lots of "success" in my life, done lots of things and I guess I'm wondering what else there is. Where's the significance? I mean, now to do something bigger and better - it has to really be bigger and better - and why do I feel the need to do that? Why is my personality the way it is? Anyway, not looking for answers so much as just putting down my thoughts...I know you'd all respond with a "God" answer. That's not really where I am coming from, I don't think. I've had 4 different people tell me they think I'm clinically depressed (2 of those have the credentials to make me stop and think). But I don't agree. I just think I'm trying to do bigger and better (or at least look for it) and it's wearing me out. Even though I know this, I still don't necessarily want to stop. Oh well...
So, as for the picture...that's kind of how I feel right now...looking up through the whirlwind and trying to focus on the end game or what's ahead or whatever. At least "it" seems closer now...not sure what "it" is specifically, just a part of the future...I think that's why I am having such a hard time. I usually have a big picture in mind, a goal or an overall agenda with what I'm moving toward...I don't really have that right now and I think that may be what's bothering me...and that is making it even harder to focus...
Hopefully this wasn't too much of a ramble fest...just needed to put it down so I can look back on it later. I am going to bed - I have to go to Seattle tomorrow for a week. Happy, happy, joy, joy...I'm sure I'll get some good things to post about...
So, as for the picture...that's kind of how I feel right now...looking up through the whirlwind and trying to focus on the end game or what's ahead or whatever. At least "it" seems closer now...not sure what "it" is specifically, just a part of the future...I think that's why I am having such a hard time. I usually have a big picture in mind, a goal or an overall agenda with what I'm moving toward...I don't really have that right now and I think that may be what's bothering me...and that is making it even harder to focus...
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing.
I think the whole bigger better ...significance...big picture thing...well..I want to say I relate. For me though, I've never been a big picture person, I'm more of what's going on right now. That's worked out up until we started making a baby, and now I wish I could be a big picture, five year plan kind of guy.
Anyway, I thought I'd meet your rambling with my own.
If I can help let me know, and check out the REI in Seattle, and then rent a sea kayak and go paddle on the bay...it'll help get more out of everyday.
Where did you get the idea that it is about you bro? If God chooses to use you be thankful. If He chooses not to be thankful. If He uses you to be the next Billy Graham, cool, but if all He uses you for is to provide a home for some college girls and keep some guys in High School from making some bad mistakes then be grateful. It's not about you. Let go and be willing to just wash feet for the rest of your life or weed a garden or sweep the steps. I love you bro! You are such a treasure to Jesus. Remember... remember... remember how much He loves you!
No "God" answers here. I understand what you are saying about wanting to make a "difference" in the world, wanting to leave your mark in a significant way. You know what, you aren't a colonist, you aren't laying the foundation for a new country or a new plan. Everything has already been done and anything that comes up new, is really considered irrelevant in the big scheme of things. I really don't believe that leaving a physical print on the world is the key to a successful life. Look at the world today. Not just America, but the world. Everyone is at war with eachother, there is so much hate, so much corruption, the environment is being torn to pieces by the selfishness of mankind. Ross was going through this same idea a few years ago. Being a librarian and having a wife and kids wasn't enough. Well, ya know what, it is. Everything else, is menial, it's only physical, material and will gain you "fame" for something that hasn't really impacted the world at all. We decided that there are other things about this world that need help. Your kids and the actual WAY you live your life will leave a lasting mark which will be carried through time. I know, this sounds cheesy, but think of all the people you come in contact with, that your family comes in contact. The world has lost all family vaules. They are so wrapped up in wanting bigger and better that they have neglected the foundation. The soul, the heart, what makes humans, human. It's a little bit easier to feel like we make lasting impressions on the world by living overseas. Each person we come in contact with daily, spreads that print for us all across the world. Even if one person thinks, "man, those kids are great", "there is a good parent, I wonder what they do" or "he really loves his wife, maybe I should work on that". I had a woman pick my brain for over an hour last Friday about parenting and homeschooling. Comes to find out, she was a counselor at VCU (Virginia Commonwealth University) and used me by NAME in a conference with the faculty and staff there talking about my dedication to my children and how organized I was and how she admired me for having values that were worthwhile and how she knew because of our dedication, that our kids were going to grow up to be amazing individuals. I had no idea who this woman was at the time. we were having dinner at a mutual friend's house and I found out about the confrence from one of my other bestfriends here who is a counselor at VCU as well. Jacki was shocked and called me immediately after. I guess my point is, do not get caught up in this bullshit materialistic world. IT IS MEANINGLESS. Also, consider how it makes your wife and kids feel when you are thinking that they're not enough for you. That you need bigger and better. You can tell youself that that isn't what you mean, but it is. Indirectly, it is. Your job is not what brings the money into the house. Your job is to your wife and kids. To be the best father, husband, partner, and companion you can be and to pour all of your knowledge and insight into those two awesome kids you have. Money is just money, it's material and worldly. Your LIFE is wwaayyy beyond that. Anyway, just my thoughts. Good luck!
p.s. maybe you are depressed, but I think mostly it sounds like your values and thoughts have strayed from where they should be. Maybe you should consider going away for a while on something not WORK related. Take a soul trip by yourself. Go backpacking for a week. It sounds like you need some solitude, beauty, peace, and time to think and reevaluate your life.
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